Cesearean Birth

Jul

13

Guest post: A mother shares her experience of birth trauma and road to recovery

Birth trauma is something that’s at the forefront of my mind a large percentage of the time. If someone had asked me about birth trauma 4 years ago, I wouldn’t have known what they meant. I possibly would have thought that it related to the death of a baby during labour. I thought the circumstances had to be that extreme for a lady and her family to have suffered from birth trauma.

I’ve been working with pregnant women in various ways for 11 years now and yes I’ve seen women who have suffered from birth trauma but it was obviously something I needed to experience personally so that I could fully grasp the implications, and start my journey to becoming an NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) and EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) Practitioner.

I am a mum of 7 and I have had different birth experiences with each of my children. I’ve had vaginal births and caesarean sections. I have suffered birth trauma once and whilst I can look back now and see what a learning journey it took me on, at the time I wanted to die.

I struggled to conceive my 6th child, well I didn’t struggle to conceive her but I struggled to hang onto the pregnancy. My daughters conception was preceded by 2 miscarriages so by the time I was pregnant with my daughter I was elated and somewhat fearful. The pregnancy was perceived to be high risk. I had essential hypertension, was a grand multip, had had 2 previous caesarean sections and I was overweight. An obstetricians nightmare!

I decided quite early on in my pregnancy that I would be having a VBA2C (vaginal birth after 2 caesareans). The obstetrician didn’t agree so we parted company. Towards the middle of my pregnancy I decided that I would have a homebirth, however it was clear that the NHS would not be happy to support this so I decided to hire an Independent Midwife. I ended up hiring a midwife that wasn’t my first choice but because of the area I live in, she was my only choice.

My pregnancy progressed as it should. I had a 40 week deadline as I’d developed gestational diabetes in the third trimester. It was really a case of increased insulin resistance! It was controlled with diet and metformin. I was apprehensive about this 40 week deadline as my previous babies hadn’t been born until 42 weeks so my midwife suggested I visit a homeopath. I did and the result was that I chose the 13 th of Febraury 2009 as the date I would birth my daughter. I would be 39 weeks and 5 days pregnant on that date and it was to be Friday the 13th, perfect day to have a baby.

The 12th of February arrived and I was summoned to the hospital by my new consultant who was getting tetchy. He offered me ARM (Artificial rupture of membranes), I politely declined but agreed that I’d come back and take him up on his offer the following Monday. Before leaving the hospital I had my first contraction. I knew my daughter was on her way.

It had started snowing and I drove home slowly, with my IM following behind in her car. When we got to my home I suggested my midwife go home and get organised as I was sure I’d be calling her out in a few hours. I didn’t tell anyone at home that my daughter was beginning her journey and it was so exciting and special. I had hired a heated birth pool and I kept rubbing the sides of it, knowing that my daughter would be born in it later that night. I’ll never forget the smell of that pool, never.

My contractions started hotting up in the evening after my other children had gone to bed. I bounced on my birthing ball and eventually let my husband, brother and friends know that I was in labour. There was much excitement and I had 2 men fussing about what they should be doing!

At 9pm my hind waters broke. I didn’t realise that it was my hind waters so I phoned my IM and asked her to return. She lived an hour away and it was snowing heavily at this stage. My IM suggested I lie on my bed on my left hand side until she reached me as I’d previously birthed very quickly once my waters had gone. Off I went to my bedroom where I put on my hypnobirthing music and floated away to another world. Hours passed, my contractions becoming more intense.

My IM arrived and was noisy and turned all the lights on. She insisted on giving me a vaginal examination to assess progress. I was 3 cm, no big deal for me. I had previously gone from 2cm to delivering baby in less than an hour. My blood pressure was up and down as is normal in labour. My IM was getting tetchy.

The second IM arrived and was wonderful, hushed voice, lights off, soothing and reassuring. I continued contracting in the peace and quiet of my bedroom. The first IM (the one I’d hired) came to my bedroom at 2am, insisted on another VE, said I was still 3cm, not progressing. She checked my blood pressure, it was elevated. She suggested a transfer to hospital. I was very tired and had a most awful headache so I consented. I had no fear about going to the hospital as I’d made plans with my consultant. I knew that if it was blood pressure that brought me to the hospital, I would have an epidural and continue labouring. The second IM suggested I go in the pool as it would lower my blood pressure, the first IM said I wasn’t allowed as I wasn’t dilated enough.

The ambulance arrived and I was contracting strongly every 2 to 3 minutes. The ambulance technician spent the hours journey telling me not to push! We reached the hospital and I was shown to a room. I was now under NHS care but my IM was present as my advocate. The NHS midwife examined me and declared me to be 5cm. The registrar spoke to my consultant on the phone and offered me an epidural. My IM asked for us to have a few moments alone at this stage. Once the NHS staff left the room she declared that I was not 5cm at all but still only 3. She told me that my daughters head was still high and that must mean there was scar tissue stopping her head from descending. She told me a whole heap of stuff and finished it off by saying that I must know myself that something was wrong, after all I’d never been in labour this long before. She suggested a repeat caesarean and I consented thinking that she knew best.

I started crying before I went in for the caesarean and didn’t stop crying for months. The following day when my head was clear I was able to rationally think about the events of the previous night. My IM had manipulated me into consenting to a caesarean section despite knowing how much I wanted to give birth vaginally. I blamed myself of course, if I had been stronger, if I had ignored her, if I had trusted my instincts and not hired her in the first place. I felt like a complete failure, I can’t tell you the amount of times I apologised to my new baby daughter.

I discharged myself 24 hours after my daughter was born, I went home to the scene of my failed homebirth, to the smell of the pool, the sight of it, my bedroom the way I’d left it. I wanted to die, I’ve never known emotional pain like it before. I cried all day and night, family and friends trying to console me, telling me I at least had a healthy baby. That was no comfort to me, in fact it made it worse because it drew attention to the fact that I’d let her down in the most basic way possible. My IM completely abandoned me, she visited twice, both times telling me ridiculous lies. She could see I was distressed, this she documented and yet she left me to it. It was all the proof I needed of her own feelings of guilt about how she’d manipulated me and let me down.

Time moved on, there were official investigations, court appearances. I thought it would help ease the pain, it didn’t. I then in my demented state decided that having another baby would “fix” everything. My husband wasn’t sure but I couldn’t see any other way to heal this awful pain. I fell pregnant easily. It was a twin pregnancy to begin with but then one died. OK, maybe this pregnancy wasn’t such a good idea, the pain is increasing.

My son managed to stay with me, we reached the second trimester and I felt positive that my plan would work. I hired a wonderful IM and a doula, I wasn’t taking any chances this time. I would now be having a homebirth following 3 caesarean sections. The pregnancy was lovely, easier than previous ones. I felt a close connection to my unborn son. I booked my heated birth pool once again. At the routine 20 week scan I learnt that I had a low lying placenta. No problem I thought, that will move right out of the way. As the pregnancy progressed I became extremely fearful that I wouldn’t have my longed for homebirth. I was becoming distressed and all I could see was a replay of my daughters birth. I needed help. I tried talking therapy. That made it worse, I didn’t want to talk about it. I tried hypnosis, again it didn’t help. I was getting desperate, I was now 29 weeks pregnant. I had read about EFT and thought it sounded like a good idea.

I made an appointment to see a practitioner locally. When I arrived at her home I felt stupid, like this was such a ridiculous idea and of course it wouldn’t work, after all, nothing else had. I sat down and was asked about the feeling I wanted to be rid of. I started with fear, the practitioner did the tapping, I said the words. I soon got over my initial feeling of stupidity. It was such a release, the tapping, the words, it brought the next feeling and the next feeling to the forefront. We whizzed through them, working the feelings until they barely existed. The memories were there but they had been freed from the feelings. It was amazing, I could remember my daughters birth without crying. I at last could begin to forgive myself and the midwife involved.

I continued with the EFT sessions for a few weeks because my current pregnancy had started to get complicated and I was now faced with having to have a caesarean section due to a complete placenta praevia. I had a lot of fear about the operation itself and I had to address the feelings that brought up. At this point I had to accept that my original plan was extremely flawed and rather than heal the previous experience, I was now risking another little life. I think I can safely say that EFT saved my sanity and it enabled me to make the best choices possible for my unborn son.

I had my son at 35 weeks, I developed eclampsia and he was born as a matter of urgency. It wasn’t the healing homebirth that I’d envisaged but the journey that we made together was healing. I learnt so much and know that I needed both of those birth experiences to enable me to truly understand birth trauma and it’s subsequent healing.

I learnt so much that I have since gone on to train as a NLP and EFT practitioner. I felt that I needed to give something back to the many women that I meet. Most of my doula clients are women who have suffered birth trauma. I wanted to be able to help them and their families. I chose NLP because I liked the fact that it’s non content based therapy. Of course that doesn’t work for everyone, some people like talking therapy but others have reached the stage I had. They don’t want to keep talking about their pain, they want the pain to be gone. NLP works so quickly, the feelings that have overwhelmed us for so long can be gone in minutes. We will always have memories but now they are free of pain.

As a practitioner I love that I have options to give my clients. Having options means that we are always in control and we are effectively choosing how we move on from the things in our lives that have caused us difficulty in some way. For me there is no better reward than seeing a client leave me with a spring in their step and a smile on their face, it’s such a contrast to how they entered my home.

I would like to see NLP and EFT offered routinely by the NHS to pregnant and birthing women. The difference it could make has the potential to impact positively on the lives of the next generation.

Kate McCarthy-Harris is a mum of 7 living in rural Lincolnshire, working as a birth doula, antenatal teacher, placenta specialist and NLP Practitioner. Passionate about pregnancy, childbirth and informed choices.

If you would like to learn more about EFT or NLP, or healing from birth trauma, get in touch with Kate, you contact her via her website Primitive Birth

Jan

18

Birth Story of Dylan

Birth / Birth Stories / Cesearean Birth / Home Birth Transfer / 2 comments

Planned homebirth of a first baby with NHS midwives. Unexpected turn of events leads to transfer to hospital and ultimately baby is born by Cesearean. Dylan’s mother shares her thoughts on events and what she might do differently next time.

We were so incredibly excited about the birth of our first child who was due 6th April 2011. We didnt know the sex but I had always had in inkling it was going to be a boy. We were all prepared and raring to go. We had planned a homebirth from early on and were feeling positive about the whole thing. I had done some hypnobirthing practice, but on reflection afterwards, not enough.
The week I was due I was feeling a bit fed up, my heartburn was crazy, I couldnt sleep well as my hips were so sore and I was desperate to meet my wee person. Secretly I was hoping he would come early on the 5th April as that was my dads birthday, who died when I was 6 and it would have been nice.
However, he clearly had other plans as the 5th, 6th and 7th came and went with no signs. Friday 8th April I was exhausted and went to bed about 9pm leaving Paul downstairs. Fell asleep but woke about 10pm with cramping in my stomach. I thought I might just have a tummy upset as it felt quite like that but it kept coming and going in waves every 20-25 minutes. So thats how the rest of that night went, falling asleep for 20mins then getting woken up again. In total I must only have had about 4 hours sleep, if that. By 4am I was too uncomfortable so got up and went downstairs and pottered around until Paul got up and I told him I thought this was the start of things. Knowing it would still be a long time he went off to work and I spent the day pottering about between contractions. Things eased a little by late morning. Paul came home from work about 1pm and I suggested we go out for a walk. So we walked round the block very slowly and by time we were getting back I was stopping every 5 minutes with quite painful contractions.
Eventually got back to the house and started timing the contractions more, once they had been coming every 5 minutes for about an hour I thought we should ring the hospital as the community midwives had said to let them know early on so they could plan their day around me as I was a homebirth. The hospital said they would ask a community midwife to pop in.
About 4pm the community midwife, the one who had done my homebirth home check, arrived. She was very lovely and reassuring. She asked if I wanted to be examined and I said yes as I was in a lot of pain and being my first didnt really know what the hell was going on! She examined me and said my cervix was still closed. Inside I was devastated and immediately began to wonder if I could do this, as I was already finding the pain a challenge. I didnt say this out loud though. She said just to carry on moving around, eating and drinking plenty and to phone when the contractions got more regular and stronger.
We somehow occupied ourselves for a few hours before I decided to try to get some rest. This is when I discovered that I could not lay down, in any position, it was absolute agony. I felt like my spine was going to split open. So after about 30mins of trying to get comfortable I came back downstairs. I sat on the dining room chair with a pillow on the table leaning forward on to it. And this is how I spent the next 7 hours, not sleeping at all. By 5am Saturday morning I was pottering around again and now it was getting really painful but contractions not really any closer together. Paul got up and made me some toast which I didnt really want to eat. Paul had to go to work again even though it was upsetting him to do it but I told him to go as there was nothing he could do at home anyway and he was due back around midday. So off he went and I tried to keep myself busy.
By about 1030 am I was almost in tears, the pain in my back was awful. I had my TENS machine on but it actually felt like it was making the pain worse at times so I ended up switching it off. I took some paracetamol and decided I had to phone the hospital as I was starting to struggle. Around 1130am another midwife arrived to check on me, I had met her at our active birthing workshop that our local midwives run and I didnt like her and Paul strongly disliked her! So my heart sunk when I saw her. But a soon as she came in and asked me how I was I burst into tears. I just felt so exhausted and fed up with it all. She was so lovely and reassuring, different to how she was at the class. Shortly after Paul came home and seeing the midwife was immediately in a panic, I told him I just had to call as it was too painful. She offered to examine me and I said yes as I was desperate to know what was going on.
On examination she said I was 1cm dilated, I immediately burst into hysterics. I was absolutely shattered. I was so hoping things had moved further than that but clearly not. I had now been on my feet all day as I couldnt lay down or sit down as the pain was too intense. I was absolutely exhausted. The midwife tried to comfort me and reassure me I was doing well but I didnt feel it! She went off again telling us to phone in again later when things change. I spent a lot of the afternoon crying with Paul trying to encourage me.
The rest of that day is a blur to me, I dont remember much. But by about 11pm I had really had enough and called the midwives again and 2 arrived at about midnight. I had never met either of them before. The only thing that was keeping me going now was that if it got to 8am then my own midwife would be on and she would come and look after me. The 2 midwives were nice, the younger one this was her first homebirth and she was very quiet and calming. The other midwife was a bit more matter of fact and I didnt find her tones always very helpful. They explained that they would be taking my blood pressure and listening to babys heart every hour or so as that was standard procedure at homebirths. At that point I didnt have the strength to argue. The older midwife examined me after I asked them to and I was about 3cm although I think they were being generous to make me feel better! At this point I couldnt comprehend how I could keep going if this is what the pain was like at 3cm.
After about 2hours of being on my knees over the back of the sofa and pottering around they offered to examine me again. The younger one did it this time and said I was still 3cm. I cried and cried. The older midwife asked if I wanted her to examine me to see since she did it last time and could compare. I said yes. I wish I hadnt. She then decided, without asking me, after she had checked how dilated I was to give me a sweep. I have never felt anything so painful in all my life. I was absolutely hysterical with pain and by this point Paul was in tears as well seeing me suffering so much. The younger midwife looked really upset and tried to comfort me. It was only at this point they told me that baby was back to back, they had never mentioned his position before. They said he was trying to turn but was going the long way round which is why it was taking so long and was so painful.
After this I had a large show so the younger midwife helped me upstairs to the bathroom where she apologised for what had happened and said she should have just trusted her own examination and not got her to do it again. During this time they had taken my BP every hour and it had consistently been high. Babys heart rate had been fine though.
The midwives asked me to take a bath to try to get my BP down which I didnt want to do as I didnt want to lay down (and I dont like baths anyway!) but I did it. I tolerated about 20mins in the bath and my BP had come down so they were happy for the moment.
At about 5am they examined me again and said I was probably about 4cm but they wouldnt put it down yet because as soon as they recorded me being 4cm I was in active labour and then the “clock” would start and I would have 12 hours to deliver or I would have to go in to hospital. They took my BP again and it was back up.
At this point Paul was getting quite anxious as he knew things were moving along but he had 2 pupils to take for their driving tests that morning! He had to leave at about 645am to get there in time. I told him just to go as it would still be a good while yet but he was in tears about leaving me.
So Paul left about 645am Monday 11th April as did the younger midwife as it was almost time for midwife changeover. However, the older midwife then took my BP again and it was still high so she said she had to phone the hospital to speak to the midwife in charge to see what they wanted to do. Up until now I still hadnt had any pain relief except paracetamol and occasionally the TENS machine. The midwife suggested I have some gas and air as I was really tense by now and so I took a few sucks and immediately felt in another world! She phoned the hospital and the head midwife said I had to go in. I agreed, not knowing if I could decline but also thinking I dont want anything to go wrong or happen to either of us.
She called an ambulance and went upstairs to get my bags. Ambulance arrived about 5mins later with 2 lovely paramedics who kept me smiling all the way to the hospital, as did their gas and air. I had to text poor Paul and say “dont panic but Im on my way to the hospital, my BP is too high”. I later found out that he read it just when his pupil was driving his car away from the test centre on her test. So he was stranded and very upset.
I got to the hospital and into my room and met my lovely midwife who was so so nice to me. I managed to sit on their bed with the back up for a little while just to rest and regain some strength while she sorted out everything for me. At this point I was going a bit mental with the gas and air and was completely spaced out. I really regret this now. I also realise now that between Sunday morning and this point I hadnt emptied my bladder once, showing how little I had drunk. I also regret this.
At about 1010am Paul arrived in floods of tears, kissing and cuddling me, telling me he was so sorry for leaving me. I told him not to be silly and I was ok. At this point my midwife examined me again and said I was 4cm dilated. I couldnt believe how slowly it was all going. She told me I needed to change my position and suggested on my knees leaning over the back of the bed. I stayed in that position for 2-3 hours and by god I was in pain now, getting really cross at the midwife as she kept having to reposition the pads on my belly reading babies heart rate. Still not sure why I needed that stupid thing on all the time anyway!
At about 2pm I was examined again and was 8cm! I shrieked with delight and midwife said I would probably have my baby in a couple of hours and she started to get everything ready. This is my main point of regret. At this point I think I was so elated to have made progress and so shattered that I just lay on the bed and didnt move. So by time this midwife left at about 330pm nothing much had changed. The new midwife I didnt warm to at all. She seemed very quiet and almost nervous which was making me irritated. She examined me about 4pm and I was still 8cm. I was now in so much pain and so spaced out on gas and air I didnt really know what was going on. I desperately wanted something else for the pain but didnt want pethidine as I didnt want anything crossing the placenta. At about 5pm I consented to an epidural as I had just had enough. I was in tears to Paul saying I had failed and I was sorry I couldnt do it. He was so upset telling me I was doing so well but I felt I was a failure and should have managed without an epidural. The midwife then put up a drip with oxytocin to increase and strengthen my contractions although I said I didnt want it she said it was policy to give it with an epidural. I told her I didnt want stronger and more painful contractions before I had the epidural as I couldnt cope as it was! Paul stuck up for me and said we didnt want it and she kind of just mumbled to herself and said oh well I will have to go and speak to the head midwife about this. She then said well its just a tiny amount it wont really make much difference so we consented, mainly cos we didnt have the strength to argue!
The anaesthetist came straight away and gave me the epidural, which was the scariest thing ever trying to stay still with agonising contractions! But once it was in the relief was instant. I could have kissed the anaesthetist I was just so happy to be able to rest for a few minutes without being in pain.
The babies heart rate then started dropping although at this point Paul was sitting beside me holding the transducer onto my belly as it wouldnt stay on! Paul kept saying to the midwife couldnt it just be because its not a very good reading and im having to hold it on but nobody seemed to listen. The registrar then attended who was lovely and just said we would monitor it for another hour or so. When it wasnt any better he asked if I would consent to foetal blood sampling from the babies scalp. As I was concerned about my baby and not convinced by the CTG I consented. He took the first sample and went off and came back saying the machine couldnt read it so could he do it again. So he did. He took the second sample off and then came back and said it didnt work either so he thinks the machine is broken.
He then offered to examine me and I said yes, he said I was 9cm dilated but there was a lip of cervix that wasnt dilating. He said instrumental delivery wasnt really possible due to the lip and I said quite strongly I did not want forceps anyway. He then said to leave it for another hour to see what happens and he would also get the consultant in to see me.
Consultant came in a bit later and explained that they couldnt really know if baby was in real distress or not although the heart rate appeared to be dropping somewhat. He said I could either wait for another hour to see if I dilated fully or I could go for a c-section. This was about 8pm by this point. He said if I wanted a section I could go now, there was nobody in theatre and it would happen straight away.

I spoke to Paul and we agreed I would go for section. I signed the consent form but didnt read it properly as they told me to as I couldnt even see properly after 3 nights of no sleep and the gas and air!!
At this point my 3rd midwife came on duty and she was lovely, very upbeat and reassuring. They took me straight to theatre topped up my epidural. All the theatre staff were lovely and the anaesthetist introduced them all to me. My registrar was going off duty so introduced me to another lady registrar who was going to do the section. My epidural top up had caused my arms to start shaking which I couldnt stop and also my nose became completely blocked and I generally just felt very unwell as I laid there. The rest is a bit of a blur but I remember a bit of murmuring and then the consultant was suddenly assisting the registrar. There was a huge amount of pushing and pulling including the consultant shouting “push push push” at the registrar as they both thrust at my abdomen. At 859pm I then felt something lift out of me and a few seconds later a reassuring cry. Paul burst into tears but I just felt quite distant from it all. My midwife carried him over to the scales and I told Paul to go and see what we had. He rushed back to me blubbing “its a boy”. We exchanged lots of kisses then Paul went back to see him. Paul then came back with this little bundle all cosy and calm. I couldnt hold him as my arms were shaking so much and I didnt feel the rush of love I had been so hoping for although I was of course over the moon.
We both then became aware that something wasnt quite right. There was a lot of discussion going on behind the screen and a lot of pushing. The anaesthetist was peering over and I asked him if everything was ok and he just said yes its fine. A few minutes later another doctor or nurse must have come in that we couldnt see, presumably telling the consultant he was needed elsewhere. This is when he said something along the lines of “Yes, ok, but can I stop this girl from bleeding to death first”. I didnt respond and I think Paul thought, and still does think, that I didnt hear it. I was scared. But after about 45 minutes of sewing they said it was all done.
I was taken out of theatre and the registrar came in and explained that I had started to bleed after she had made the incision so she had called in the consultant to help as she felt it was out of her expertise. I was grateful to her for her honesty and her willingness to acknowledge her limitations, else goodness knows what might have happened. Then at about 1015pm my arms stopped shaking enough for me to hold my baby. He was gorgeous and perfect. I was in love. And I knew that despite the trauma we had gone through I would do it all again for him.

Aftermath

I was lucky in many ways that I recovered very quickly, was home 3 days after Dylan’s birth, was out walking at 5 days post section, didnt have any real pain from my scar or any complications. I suppose it helped that I was fairly fit pre-pregnancy.

I often thought about the birth and what happened and what could I have done differently to change the outcome. This came to a head when Dylan was about 7 months old. I was cuddling him at bedtime and he looked up at me, put his hand on my cheek and suddenly he looked newborn again. I yearned not only for those early days with him but I mourned the loss of the birth I had hoped for. I mourned not holding him straight away and feeling that instant connection I had longed for.

And I am writing this now, Dylan is almost 8 months old. I have decided to try and take some positive out of it. I have ordered my medical notes so I can get peace with what happened. I am determined to be more prepared for my next birth and am researching VBAC’s and considering another homebirth. I want to do a proper course with a local hypnobirth practitioner next time. And I have decided I would like someone else to be present in labour. I want Paul to be able to support me and watch his 2nd child come into the world. But I want someone else there to be firmer with me, not let me just sit there and feel sorry for myself if im in pain. I am thinking the best person for this would be my mum, she has had 5 children all naturally with only gas and air so she knows what she is doing! But as she is in Scotland I am going to have my best friend as a back up. This all makes me feel more confident about having another baby and hopefully getting the natural birth I really want.