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10 Simple Ways to Nurture Yourself…with your children

We had a great LLL toddler meeting last night. We covered so much, with so much openness and authenticity. LLL meetings always bring a reminder and acknowledgment of the tough and important work each and every one of us is doing every day – mothering.

One common concern was that many mothers didn’t feel they had the time or opportunity to take care of themselves – even those who did, often found the time they had set aside erroded as babies grown into toddlers and become more vocal about their needs.

I am a big believer in mothers’ self-nurturing – that is, that mothers must meet their own needs in order to then meet the needs of the many who depend on them.  I also recognise that sometimes it feels impossible (and sometimes it actually is impossible!) to get away to do something for yourself.

So I wanted to share ten ways you can nurture yourself while your children are present – please add to my list with your own thoughts, experiences and suggestions!!

1. Breathe. It seems so simple, but we forget and let our breath get shallow. Just stop for a moment. Stand up or sit straight in a chair or on the floor. Just focus on your breath – first on your out breath, expelling all the air from your lungs right down to your stomach. Let the in breath be automatic. Do this for as long as you can – whether thirty seconds, three minutes or longer. Maybe your child would like to try it too. See how you feel afterwards.

2. Drink a glass of water. Not very exciting, I know. But getting dehydrated can make us cranky and just not feeling good. If you want to spruce it up, try some herbal tea or a few drops of fruit juice. But just water is great. I love regular tea and coffee sometimes – but for this, try some plain old water.

3. Get creative. Kids of all ages, from toddlers up, love painting, drawing, sculpting, etc. Get out the crayons, paints or play-dough – but you join in too! Make something for yourself.

4. Meet up with friends. Have a mother/child play-date with another mother or two – or go along to a coffee morning or toddler group you love too. If you don’t have one you love, find one. Don’t carry on with one that doesn’t fit or doesn’t make you happy. It’s easy to get isolated with a baby or toddler to care for – we all enjoy some time with friends.

5. Go for a walk in nature. Find a beautiful spot, whether a park, woodland walk, field, beach. Go out with your child – the weather doesn’t matter, just dress appropriately. Getting outside, near living, growing things, in the fresh air, with the sound of water flowing, will revive and energise you. Your child may walk or ride in a sling or buggy. Whatever works for you.

6. Sing, laugh, recite and play together – sing songs, recite children’s poetry or nursery rhymes, try out some finger plays or ring games. Kids don’t mind if you aren’t a great singer – they love the energy, the repetition – and it feels good to use your voice. Not sure what to sing or where to begin? Check out the following books:  Seven times the Sun, The Singing Day, The Singing Year, or This Little Puffin. Or just sing the songs that you love.

7. Dance and move! Put on your favourite music and dance! Hold your baby or toddler – or just dance along with them.

8. Rest together. If your child takes a nap, try to rest too – lie down beside them and close your eyes. If you have an older toddler or child who doesn’t want to nap, bring them into the room and have them play quietly. If they don’t or won’t nap, sit together and read some books – there are some great children’s books out there, you can find some that you love as much as your children do.

9. Pamper yourselves. Enjoy a footbath ritual together. Get some towels, some plastic bowls or basins, add in some dried flowers or some lavendar essential oil. Sit side by side and soak your feet in warm water. Then dry and massage with almond oil.

10. Enjoy a nourishing snack together. Check out Sandra Dodd’s monkey platters for some great ideas.

Please, mamas, nourish yourselves! You deserve it, and your children need you to do this for them.

Please share your own nurturing rituals and stories! I’d love to hear them.

A busy week…some new discoveries

I’ve spent the past week in an intensive search for daytime childcare for my littlest – it became really clear to me that this was the best option as my previous attempts to juggle (working from home while my little guy played, using family and an occasional friend to care for my kids while I worked) was not working as I needed it to. I had to toss out my ideals of keeping it in the family because the reality was that keeping it in the family was not the best solution in our case. And so a new door has opened…

It’s been an interesting process – visiting childminders and nurseries this week, and interviewing carers. It was overall quite heartening as all of the settings I visited felt really okay in terms of the care the offered (clearly, I’d already narrowed my search down quite a lot). It was very stressful for me too – and I hardly believed my friend when she told me one setting would stand out – but it did! Thankfully, we’ve found something. We start with our first visit this afternoon.

Ironically, the setting I’ve chosen – and which is utterly right for us – is not the one I expected to choose. In fact, the whole process has been incredibly challenging for me – and transformative. I will soon be a working mother with a child in a day nursery (part-time). This is something that anyone who has known me for a while will likely find surprising to say the least. Even more so as I am totally at peace with this choice.

So much of this week has been illuminating for my doula work.

Being on the other side of the interview process has given me some insight into what people are getting from me (and what I hope they get from me) when we have our initial consultations. The meeting that I found least satisfying was with a childminder who likely seemed the most ideal ‘fit’ with me. I left it feeling judged for my doula work that involves unpredicatible hours and for being lax with my ‘discipline’ in that I don’t punish my 2-year-old with time outs…and feeling like I didn’t want her to ‘rescue’ me by becoming a second mother to my child. I do hope in my consultations I’ve learned to be open and non-judgemental – I’m certainly always trying, because I do believe the choice is the mother’s! This meeting really showed me how I want to avoid approaching my work.

Visiting three settings, then four, also showed me how the right choice just became clear. I was impressed with the quality of all of the settings, but one really did stand out. I think I’d now encourage all prospective doula clients to do the same – interview, if possible, at least three doulas (even if just on the telephone). You might be surprised what it reveals to you and which choice is the best for you!

And now my little one and I are off on our next great adventure…our first nursery visit.

Let’s support mothers who *want* to breastfeed

I’ve decided I want to feed my children real, normal, healthy food. I’ve want to make them some home-made bread. But I’ve never done it before, and I’m a bit nervous. But I’ve decided the time and effort are worth it. I’m going to make the effort.  I’m not sure how to do it right, if I’ve got the right ingredients, if I’ve mixed it right. I might feel like giving up half-way through the process, but I persevere. Finally, out come some loaves of bread – maybe they don’t look perfect, there’s room for improvement. But I’ve put my heart and hands into providing wholesome food for my children. They’ve tried it, and haven’t outright rejected it. Great. Maybe next time will be better – maybe I can ask a friend for some help, to get it to rise better. Then another friend walks in the door. S/he seems my efforts, sees it’s taken me hours of work, and that my loaves aren’t perfect. “Oh, dear. Why are you wasting your time? They’ve got lovely bread at Tesco – just get that nice, fluffy sliced loaf. Your children will love it. And it’s just so much less work for you.”

It’s like a bucket of cold water dumped over my head. My efforts are meaningless. My pride in doing the best that I can to lovingly provide my children with good, normal food crushed. So, is my hard work worth nothing? The store-bought bread is just as good, really. Why bother?

Now let’s intensify that feeling by about a million. That’s what it feels like to a mother who is determined to breastfeed her baby, who has struggled and persevered for days or even weeks, only to be told ‘Never mind, formula is great stuff’. Maybe she can’t get her baby to latch on, has been exclusively pumping for weeks, day and night to keep up her supply as she tries to figure out what’s wrong. Maybe she has sore, cracked, bleeding nipples – she’s tried just about everything she can think of, but it’s not getting better. Maybe it’s any one of more than a hundred other variations. Of course these mothers need help and support – but they also more than deserve validation for their hard work and accomplishments, not a slap in the face for even trying.

The early course of breastfeeding often doesn’t run smoothly, for so many reasons – birth interventions that lead to drugged / traumatized mothers and babies, separation of mother and baby at birth, lack of knowledge on the part of medical caregivers that booby traps the breastfeeding relationship from the start, physical problems with mother or baby that make getting started with breastfeeding more difficult, or profound self-doubt and lack of awareness of the normal course of breastfeeding that cause mothers to fear breastfeeding is not going well even when it is.

Many mothers are told the solution is to supplement the baby with formula – that formula is great stuff these days, no need to worry at all.  Sadly, the reality is that formula is not the same (or even close to the same) as breastmilk and there are numerous risks associated with formula feeding. I don’t say this as a judgement of those using formula, but as a simple statement of fact. It is so incredibly important that parents or caregivers who feed their babies formula are knowledgeable how to do so as safely as possible. Powdered formula is not sterile, and is frequently contaminated. Some guidelines on formula preparation can be found here.

Now, there are some mothers who will either supplement with (or exclusively feed their baby formula), either by necessity or choice. Clearly, amongst the mother-baby pairs struggling with breastfeeding, a certain number will need to supplement their babies while breastfeeding issues are resolved.  Many may not be aware that there are alternatives to supplementing with commercial formula (some alternatives include supplementing with human milk either from a milk bank – if available – or informed human milk sharing via networks like Eats on Feets or Milkshare, or using a home-made infant formula).  I think it would be wise for all parents of babies who are not thriving at the breast to do their research thoroughly and make the feeding choice that they feel is best for their baby.

What really angers me,though, is that so many mothers who are just about killing themselves because they *want* more than anything to breastfeed their own baby, are so often being told to give a bottle full of formula as if that were the only solution to all their problems. Generally, if this advice is unaccompanied by other help, it means the end of breastfeeding.  Now, by all means, if a baby is not thriving, is loosing weight and is in danger, supplementation (of the parent’s own informed choice, preferably given by something other than a bottle) is needed – alongside good breastfeeding support to help mama and baby get back on track. In the majority of cases, no supplementation will be needed – just the right information and support to resolve breastfeeding issues. I urge all those helping and supporting breastfeeding mothers to do as La Leche League suggests and  look for a breastfeeding solution to a breastfeeding problem.

If you are a breastfeeding mother who is struggling, don’t give up hope – even if your baby hasn’t yet taken the breast, or even if you have already begun supplementing. Contact a breastfeeding counsellor or an IBCLC for more help. If the help you are given isn’t adequate, try someone else. Once you have found a supporter you trust, work with them for as long as you need to. There are breastfeeding solutions to nearly every breastfeeding problem. The challenge is to find the right information and the right support.

Some places you can try for help in the UK are:

La Leche League

Association of Breastfeeding Mothers

Breastfeeding Network

NCT Breastfeeding Helpline

Some reflections on UC

Unassissted childbirth (UC) has been on my mind a lot lately. It keeps popping up, and I often find myself think about how I feel about it, both as a mother and as a doula. I recently found myself debating some of the rights and wrongs of it all with a woman who posted her disapproval of a UC birth story – which included her feeling that the family was lucky that nothing had happened, and that defending their right to choose UC was tantamount to defending the mother’s right to bleed to death and kill her baby (a rather outrageous accusation in this instance seeing as said mother and baby were healthy and well).

The familiar ‘dead baby card’. My personal feeling is that there are no certainties in life or in birth – and that anyone whose baby has died deserves our compassion. Would you attack a woman who entrusted herself to a doctor’s care and whose baby died from injuries inflicted by attempted forceps extraction? I wouldn’t. I won’t attack a woman whose baby has died because of a birth choice she made, or threaten other women with the spectre of a dead baby if they don’t conform to what my idea of ‘right’ and ‘safe’ is.

My own third child was born unassisted – unplanned so, but without fuss or worry. I’ve also been present at two UCs as a doula – both unplanned, but both without any fuss or worry. The first was the very first birth I supported as a doula – I remember posting about it on the Doula UK forum (in my ignorance of politics there!) and receiving quite a negative response. Ironically, that particular birth ended up unassisted because the midwives were actually there and then left saying nothing would happen! They were called to return, and arrived a couple of minutes after the baby. I can’t forget the negative response I received on the forum however, and don’t discuss BBA there now.

While Doula UK has a policy that they cannot support member doulas who support a planned UC if anything goes wrong, there is nothing, in theory, inherently ‘wrong’ with being present at a BBA and it does happen sometimes.  I’m aware of a few cases in the UK where a doula has called an ambulance when it appears the the baby will be BBA – either because directed to do so by a midwife or by her own volition – despite the parents’ requests for her NOT to call. I’ve actually been quite disturbed by these accounts. I do understand why they rang the ambulance, but to me this is tantamount to making a medical decision for a family – something which, as a doula, I would not do. If a couple has said outright that they do not wish to have medical assistance called, I respect their wishes. If they asked me to call, I certainly would. As a doula, I am there to support the mother’s wishes (and the father’s too – but, first and foremost the mother’s). Normally, if there is another family member present, they make the call to the labour ward when the time comes. It is the families right and responsibility to make decisions about their own care. It is not mine. My role is offer information and support – or, as I learned from Liliana Lammers and Michel Odent – to ‘not make the birth artificially longer or more difficult than it needs to be’.

Birth is a human rights issue and it is a feminist issue.  There are risks to birthing in hospital. There are risks to birthing at home with midwives. There are risks to birthing at home unassisted. It is up to each individual woman to inform herself and make the choice she feels is right for her. Birth involves a woman’s body and to me it is therefore the woman’s choice.

My own choice as a mother would be to birth at home with a known, experienced midwife who would be present in the background without interfering in the birth process. To me, this is the most comfortable and safest choice for me and my babies. If this were not an option, I personally feel for me the next safest choice would be unassisted birth – I would choose this for myself over inviting unknown care providers into my birth space, or willingly (for no reason other than that I was in labour) leaving home and going into a hospital. I do believe that the majority of the time that what Carla Hartley says is true: ‘Birth is safe, interference is risky.’ If I did need hospital care, I would want a strong and knowledgeable advocate by my side – another reason I opted for independent midwifery care.

Every doula must determine her own comfort zone and scope of practice. There are doulas who only support home birth, or who only support hospital birth. Both are fine. However, my own choice is to support the women and families who come to me, to meet them where they are. Some choose hospital birth – I support them regardless of how I personally feel about their choice to birth via Cesarean section, with an epidural or gas and air, use pethedine or to ‘go natural’. It is the woman’s body, the woman’s baby and the woman’s choice. Some women birth at home with NHS midwives, with or without a birthing pool, with or without pharmacological pain relief. Again, it is a woman’s choice. If a woman chooses to opt out of medical care in pregnancy or in labour, how could I not (ethically) support her choice?

There are doulas who support women who UC – very few, but I have heard of some. Some doulas support UC mothers and families, but don’t call themselves doulas when they do it (for fear of giving doulas a bad name or of backlash from others). I find this fascinating, and I’d like to hear more from these women who support UC mothers – and from UC mothers and families themselves who have chosen to have a doula (or similar) present at their births.

I do feel it is up to the doula to determine her own scope of practice, and to choose the families with whom she is happy to work. All the rest is up to the mother.

Doulas do not provide medical care or make medical decisions for mothers or families – this is as true for me if a mother is birthing in hospital surrounded by midwives and doctors, or in her own living room. She invites in who she wishes. She takes responsibility for her choices. She lives with the outcome of her choices for good or ill, as do we all.

What do you think?